Mostly Anecdotal

“Hello, this is Jenny. I’m on another call or away from my desk. Leave a message or if your call is urgent you can reach my backup, Mindy at extension 2323456.”

I left a detailed message. The following day not having received a response I called Jenny again.

“Hello, this is Jenny I’ll be out of the office until next Monday if you need help you can call my backup Mindy at extension 2323456″

“Hi this is Mindy I’m on the phone or away from my desk. You can reach my backup Jenny, at extension 6363478, or leave a message.”

Once again I left a message, a few hours later I received a call.

“Hi this is Jeff returning your call to Jenny,” he said.

“I just called her backup Mindy,” I said.

“Do you know Mindy’s last name?” he said.

“No, but I can give you her extension.” Read the rest of this entry »

“I won’t last much longer,” he said. “It’s the gravity that’s getting me.” He leaned forward just a bit at the waist and said, “See how it’s pulling me down?”

It’s the gravity that gets us all in the end, and then keeps us in place. Gravity is an argument against there being an afterlife, as much trouble as we have with it while were alive, tugging at us constantly, being dead we have no way to fight back. It holds us in place while the critters pick at our bones.

“Gravity has spoiled my golf game too,” he said. “I give the ball a whack and gravity pulls it back to earth a lot sooner than it used too. I think gravity is getting stronger,” he said. “You probably don’t notice it since you’re younger, but I do.”

The gravity theme was repeated several times during the evening and all in reference to being ninety years old, and how it was killing him.

“Food tastes like crap,” he said. I don’t really give a damn what I eat anymore, and with the gravity tugging at me all the time the food just forms a lump in my stomach.”

“I feel like Sisyphus,” he said, “I’ve been pushing that rock up the hill for ninety years now, not as long as Sisyphus, but a long time, and sometimes I feel like just letting it go. Like the bumper sticker says, ‘Obey Gravity, It’s the Law’.”

What the hell do they mean a pre-made sandwich? Don’t they really mean ready-made? When was it pre? I’ll tell you, back when it was lettuce, cheese, pickles, etcetera, and was sitting on the counter. It wasn’t a sandwich at all; it was a bunch of parts. It was only after the parts were combined that it became a sandwich, made, not pre-made. It’s not a sandwich until it’s made so what’s with the pre.

And those Amazon Book guys trying to save a few words by offering to let you pre-order a book. Of course it’s not really a pre-order it’s just an order. You are ordering it for future delivery just like every other book you order from them. It’s just going to take longer to get to you. What they mean is an advance order. So why don’t they just say that? Can’t they spare a few more words, after all they’re in the word business.

And what’s with a preview, are you really going to look at something before you look at it. I don’t think so. I know these are small things, and I understand if it doesn’t bug you the way it bugs me. I could go on you know, there is preowned, preteen, preposterous. I’ll stop now, but don’t pretend it’s not a problem. You need to be prepared.

Friendship is important, and good friends are hard to come by. I would never discard a friend for a mere trifle, but recently a friend put my philosophy to the test.

“I don’t wipe anymore,” he said.

“You don’t wipe,” I said.

“I haven’t wiped all winter,” he said, “my wiper is broken.”

“Your wiper is broken,” I said.

“Yes, my wiper is broken.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well the last time I tried to wipe nothing happened,” he said.

“Nothing happened?”

“That’s what I said, nothing happened.”

“I think this is the kind of problem you need to solve,” I said.

“I’ve tried,” he said, “I ordered a new one.”

“You ordered a new one; what does that mean?” I said.

“I ordered a new motor,” he said.

“Huh”

“I tried to get one on the cheap, but found that I could only get one from the source,” he said.

“You don’t mean from God do you?” I said. “You’re not going to quote scripture to me now are you?” There’s a time for wiping and a time to refrain from wiping; Ecclesiastes 3:?.

“Of course not, I mean the Toyota dealership, my car’s wiper motor is on the blink, I need a new one,” he said.

“Ha ha! I’ll bet you think you’re clever, a funny guy, don’t you?”

“Hey, there’s nothing funny about not being able to wipe.”

On a recent visit my son parked his car behind my wife’s, and so, unless we wanted to do a butterfly we’d have to take my car to the movie. My car is more comfortable than my wife’s, but I use the space behind the drivers seat as a temporary trash bin.

“You parked behind Gail’s car,” I said.

“And,” he said.

“Well, unless you want to do a butterfly we’ll have to take my car to the movie,” I said.

The butterfly is the name we gave to a frequent maneuver on the British comedy Butterflies. The car someone wants to take is always the one blocked in by the other cars. In the show it is usually Adam’s and Russel’s job to perform the maneuver. The maneuver is what rights the situation. The butterfly, is the alpha and omega of driveway management.

That’ll teach you to throw trash back there,” he said.

I grabbed a garbage bag and while handing it to him said, “Why should I care, I don’t sit back there.

He reached as if to take the bag, smiled, and then let it fall to the floor.