Mostly Anecdotal

It’s an ‘inconvenient truth’ that owning an SUV is not all excessive fuel consumption, and flaunting one’s wealth. When keeping up with the Joneses means a trip to the body shop you know things have changed.

It began quietly enough two weeks ago when the first SUV was found on its side. “I had just finished breakfast,” said Mike. “I was going to take my daughter to school no way I’m going to have her walk the block and a half, temperatures in the forties, terrorists, well you understand. I had left the car in the driveway, who wouldn’t, a new Explorer. I wanted the neighbors to see how much I love my family. I came out the front door, and there it was sitting on its side. I can tell you I was shocked. I’ve never seen anything like it. I called the police, they figure it was just a prank by some homesick farm boys; no cows in Glendale you see. They called a tow truck, they had it upright in no time, but I sure do hate the scratches on the side. I want to find the bastards that did this.”

Like I said that was just the beginning, in the past week the “fad” has swept the nation. SUV owners across the country have come out of their homes, out of grocery stores, only to find their SUV on its sides. Ethel in Chicago, said, “I parked my Escalade in the same two parking spaces I always do, and when I returned from shopping there it was lying on its side. I have friends that have had the same thing happen to them, and it’s not funny.”

Some in the country are taking it much more seriously. The Attorney General is said to be investigating possible terrorist ties. The president has said it’s has got to stop. Our nation is at war. Our citizens have to be able to get to work. It started in California but has now reached Washington D.C. “I’ve tipped a cow or two in my time, damn fun I must say,” said the President, “but there are no cows in our cities. It was a coming of age thing for me, but we’re talking about SUVs.” Our nation relies on these vehicles; our military relies on these vehicles.” Conspiracy theorists are certain that if not organized by terrorists it was surely inspired by them. The Homeland Security Director is now driving an orange Trail Blazer, he suggests using duct-tape to attach your SUV to a nearby tree or post but it isn’t working. The vehicles are ending up on their sides despite the effort, and the tape often removed paint from the body.

Many in government just laughed at the first tippings, but now they are becoming victims. Karl Rove’s wife was trapped in her SUV on the Maryland Parkway for three hours. “I was just sitting there,” she said, “traffic had come to a stop and all of sudden I was on my side. I was buckled in so I wasn’t injured, but it scared the hell out of me.”

Dick Cheney went berserk when he found both his Explorer and Navigator on their sides in his driveway. The government has the FBI investigating and thanks to a tip from one of Canada’s best investigative reporters, Dug Alter, we learned today that the Justice Department has named Tipper Gore as a “person of interest.” Former elected president Al Gore was quick to defend his wife. “She has nothing to do with it,” he said. “I know it is inconvenient when it’s your SUV, but the truth is it helps in our fight against global warming.”

In other developments, two hundred SUV’s belonging to the border patrol were found tipped on their sides on the Mexican border near Laredo. George was briefed on the latest development and decided to leave the SUV’s where they were found, “that’s 4000 feet of wall we won’t have to build,” he said.

Meanwhile, the president is worried about the troops in the middle-east. “We don’t know if there are tippers in Iraq,” he said, “but I’ve ordered the manufacturer of Hummers to put additional stabilizing bars on any Hummers destined for the war.”

The current theory is that the anti-war movement is responsible, damming evidence uncovered today confirmed that all the tipped cars came to rest on their right side. “How else do you explain that,” said the Attorney General.

Today, as suddenly as it began, it stopped. Investigations are continuing, and the President requests all Americans to remain vigilant, if you see anything out of the ordinary just dial 1 800 NEW TIPS.

The story began long long ago in a galaxy far way. Now, eons later, even Princess Leia and Darth Vader are friends of sorts. They are sitting at a bar and R2D2 is serving the drinks. Both are drinking Alderaan Ruge a very rare and expensive liqueur. There are however still pockets of villainy and stupidity in the far reaches of the galaxy. George, yes that George is strapped to a gurney in the corner of the room.

George: Where am I?

Darth: The Death Star

Princess Leia: Yes, THE DEATH STAR, you are strapped to a gurney on THE DEATH STAR. I’m Princess Leia and this is Ani, uh I mean Darth Vader. Mister Vader to you. We have some questions for you George.

George: I’m the Comander see, I don’t have to answer questions that’s one of the neat things about being the president. I don’t feel like I owe anybody an explanation.

A mind probe is summoned, the needles are extended to their full length and the prick is about to get pricked. I’d also like to report that Darth would probably smile and scowl from time to time if he could. It will help if you understand that he experiences the same emotions that prompt others to scowl or to smile. The same emotions that lead others to frown or to giggle. Darth would have scowled upon hearing his childhood name, and he might very well be smiling or perhaps even giggling when he says.

Darth: Oh you’ll answer my questions George, that is one of the neat things about being a Sith Lord.

George: Why am I here?

Leia and Darth ignore him.

Leia: The probe doesn’t seem to be working, it’s not registering any content.

Darth: The diagnostics indicate it’s functioning normally. Puzzling.

George repeats: Why am I here?

Darth: You’re here because, to use the earth’s venacular, you’re a bad motherfucker, and believe me I know something about bad motherfuckers.

At an unknown location Yoda is practicing his latest moves when suddenly he stops, “There is a disturbance in the force, he says. I fear for the 23rd letter in the alphabet, but that makes no sense. Yoda, somewhat perplexed, returns to his light sabre practice.

Darth: What should we do with him?

Princess Leia: Well we know he’s a liar. We know he searches for non-existent weapons of mass destruction. He invades unarmed countries. He doesn’t listen to his dad. He says lots of really stupid shit. He’s been building weapons of mass destruction himself. He lacks respect for royalty (remember Leia is a Princess and Darth Vader a Lord) can you believe he recently trashed the Queens Garden and refused to eat her food. He also has a thing for Tony Blair, and frankly I just don’t like his looks. I’m thinking maybe the trash compacter.

Darth: Leia, your dark side is certainly showing tonight. I suppose we could just give him to Jabba the Hutt as a gift. I’ve grown quite fond of the Alderaan Ruge and Jabba is the only known source. (for the sake of clarity let me add that’s a known known as opposed to an unknown known)

George: I didn’t do anything, let me go.

Princess Leia: Give it a rest Chimp.

Darth: Chimp

Princess Leia: Yes a term I picked up listening to an earth news station. I think it is a term of endearment.

George: But

Princess Leia and Darth in unison: Just shut the fuck up George

George: Everyone is starting to use that word when they talk about me John Kerry said I fucked up Iraq.

Darth: I’m not surprised you fuck up damn near everything you touch.

George continues trying to speak but soon begins gasping for breath.

Princess Leia: Stop Darth you’re choking him, we don’t want him dead, yet.

Darth: Oh alright, but tell him to quit his whining.

Princess Leia: So lets see it’s either the compacter or a bribe for Jabba. What did the mind probe reveal?

Darth: Not a damn thing.

Princess Leia: Nothing, hmm.

George: Please I just want to go home I’m the President you know? I have an important meeting with the Republican National Committee they’re going to get me reelected.

Leia: I thought I told you to shut up. The RNC is nothing but a wretched hive of scum and villainy. You have enough problems George, I wouldn’t be worrying about a meeting with the RNC if I were you.

Leia: Where were we. Oh yes what to do with him.

Darth: We could…

Darth’s voice trails off. His breathing is audible. He would be giggling here if he could.

Princess Leia: You mean? He’s weak willed, manipulated by neocons, stupid…

Darth: Yes, the mind probe confirmed all that.

Princess Leia: You’re thinking of using the power of the force, your fancy Jedi mind tricks.

Darth: Yes

Princess Leia: I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. I’m sure we could find something constructive for him to do and maybe help the planet earth at the same time. Let’s give it a try.

Darth walks over and releases George from the Gurney.

Darth: It’s your lucky day.

George: It’s my lucky day.

Darth: You don’t want to invade unarmed countries and have impure thoughts about Tony Blair.

George: I don’t want to invade unarmed countries and have impure thoughts.

Darth: You’ve been a terrible president.

George: I’ve been a terrible president.

Darth You don’t want to be president anymore.

George: I don’t want to be president anymore.

Darth: You’ll resign and move back to Texas.

George: I’ll resign and move back to Texas.

Darth: Move along.

George takes the next shuttle to earth and promptly resigns the presidency. A grateful nation celebrates, and George moves back to the Crawford ranch. Every once in a while he looks over at Laura and says, “tell me again why I resigned the presidency.”

Laura happier than she has been in many years smiles.

Laura: You don’t really need to know.

George: I don’t really need to know.

Laura: You have some chores to do.

George: I have some chores to do.

Laura: Move along.

Not every conversation in the White House stays private. A passing maintenance man, an intern, and the public gets wind of what’s going on behind the scenes. That is exactly what happened here, though I won’t be revealing any sources. Who knows when the next juicy bit of inside information will be revealed. I can also reveal some good news, at least one of these problems was solved before it got too messy. The overheard conversation was between Karl Rove, Bush’s Brain, and George himself.

You’re not looking well Mr. President how do you feel.

Well I’m a little, you know indigestated, but I feel like my performance is way up.

You look, well, you look a little constipated.

I suppose I am, but a president needs to be at top performance you know and sacrifice at the country.

Why of course you need to stay at top performance, but what does that have to do with constipation.

It’s not real bad yet. I just need to work out some details on this performance thing.

George you’re not making much sense. What the hell are you talking about? George have you started doing something new without checking it with me first. Have you forgotten George. I’m your brain. They even wrote a book about it.

Yes I know Karl they wrote another fucking book about how smart you are. Well I’m pretty smart too. I read it on the Internets. Some Instapudding site said I was wiley and some others Americans called warbuggers like me too. They all said I’m plenty smart.

Yes George you’re smart but you didn’t answer my question. Did you do something new that you haven’t told me about.

Okay well yes I did that corked thing. You know to enhance my performance.

What corked thing, what are you talking about?

God Karl for being so smart don’t you even read the sports page. I mean I know it was illegal for Sammy to cork his butt, but that’s because they have a rule against it in baseball. I’m a president I’m not a baseball player if I can do something to enhance my performance there’s no rule against it. Sammy said he did it for his fans and I have fans too.

I don’t know how to tell you this George

Just say it like you always do Karllll.

Sammy’s problem was with a corked bat George not a corked butt.

Are you sure Karl

Yes George I’m sure.

Karl have our guys found any of the weapons we made destructive.

You mean weapons of mass destruction.

Yea those.

I told you about the mobile biological labs didn’t I.

Yes, but people are asking me questions I can’t answer.

Like what?

Well they want to know how a semi-trailer truck is a weapon. Were the Iraqis going to run over people or what.

No George they were going to use it to make bugs and chemicals and then unleash those against our troops.

Come on Karl, your telling me they had bugs and the bugs were on a leash and they were going to let them off the leash and that was dangerous. Our troops could just take their size twelve boots and stomp on the bugs. I need something more than that.

George the bugs are invisible. They are so small that people can’t see them.

You mean like all those other weapons you said they had and now we can’t find. I’m confused.

Never mind about the biological weapons just tell them the labs created chemical weapons, you know what chemicals are right?

Sure I’m not dumb you know.

Yes George. Tell them about the mustard gas they could have produced.

God Karl you’re telling me to explain about the chemicals and now you’re telling me about gas. I know all about gas. You know I’m feeling better after that cork thing though now I have a little gas of my own. It’s pretty bad but if you just hold your nose. Karl, why can’t people just hold their noses if they encounter this mustard gas stuff.

George mustard gas burns the skin it is really nasty stuff.

Yes, well mine sometimes burns a little too.

Never mind George just tell them that you’ll reveal the truth when we find it.

Yes, okay Karl I’ll tell them that.

I don’t care if Saddam’s blue
France is pissed and Germany too
Turkey I don’t care about you
Its time to go to war

The Middle East can fall apart
Syria Egypt don’t even start.
Our ratings will go off the charts
It’s time to go to war

Dubya can’t wait
Inspections suck its way too late
It’s not our plan to hesitate

I don’t care if we take some flack
The Ides of March we will attack
Winning never looking back
It’s time to go to war

Democrats can sit and hold their heads
Remain at home just stay in bed
Or just pace the halls instead
It’s time to go to war

Dubya can’t wait
Inspections suck its way too late
It’s not our plan to hesitate

Planes up in the sky
It’s a wonderful surprise
To see the oil companies spirits rise
Throwing the gauntlet down
Watching bombs hit the ground
And as the Iraqis shriek
Lost and losing ground
Always do what’s right
It’s such a gorgeous sight
To see bombs burst in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It’s time to go to war

Thanks to Robert Smith of The Cure for the inspiration his lyrics to the song “Friday I’m in Love” provided.

It was a dark and stormy night and George was happy. “Can you feel it”, he said. “Evildoer’s everywhere”. The signs had been apparent to him for some time. Back in September of 2001 George was on Air Force One flying over some fly over country, that is the nation’s heartland, Kansas to be more exact. He was avoiding members of the axis of evil, though at that time they weren’t called that they were the unknown unknowns.

So he is flying and looks out the window and spots a crop circle right below him near Chapman confirming his worst fears. Aliens, yes aliens. That was it; aliens were responsible for the WTC. He ordered the military to Afghanistan an alien land if there ever was one. He was searching for bin Laden, certainly alien to the American way of life. He never found him. Perhaps a J-DAM got him or perhaps he’s still hiding no one seems to know and few seem to care. Fortunately bin Laden was not the only alien. There was Saddam, the guy that tried to kill his Dad. No human would try and hurt someone’s daddy he had to be an alien. George had spoken of his fear at home. Illegal aliens he said lock them up. The press misunderstood, illegal combatants they reported. George laughed, fucking press and they criticize me for misunderestimating stuff, and they laugh at my perkadillo’s, pekadildos whatever. They won’t be laughing long.

George told the American People that evil had spread across the land. The axis of evildoers has expanded. First there were three then six and now it was nothing less than a modern day plague. God and the Supreme Court had chosen him to respond. The problem was not everyone could see the aliens. He had a poster printed, “Dead or Alive” it read. Many saw the picture but not an alien. They saw nothing but an Arab who needed his beard trimmed. Then he showed pictures of Saddam, and some blinded by the truth saw the leader of Iraq. A bad guy true enough but not an alien. Not George though, he saw deep into their souls and saw nothing human at all, just evil. Some even suggested they be given a chance to repent, a Christian Idea. But all knowing George said, “No need I’ve looked into their hearts, they have hardened, we’ll get no repentance. Besides did you forget these are aliens.” Some continued to protest but George told the press they were unpatriotic a concept alien to the American way of life. He told the congress that they would never get reelected if they didn’t support him against evil, and besides they would lose their unfettered access to free cash and sexy interns.

They bought it and all started beating the drums of war. “It’s like masturbation once you’ve done it you never forget” said Trent Lott somewhat wistfully. George was giving the speech of his life. Who’s your daddy that’s what I want to know. Who’s the alien now, motherfucker? George, George have you lost it this is the National Education Association you’re speaking to. “I’m sorry”, he said. I must have been dreaming. You see I keep having the same dream over and over again. I’m abducted and taken to a place with bright lights and a man with a mustache or a beard or something, but they are not humans. I think they are aliens and they are doing things to my body, it’s okay it feels good, but I’m a moral man I realize I’m just being used. That’s all I remember. So you see it’s important that we get those aliens like Saddam and bin Laden and well we’ve got a list you know. I’m the President sometimes I think I’m dreaming I pinch myself all the time.

“George”

“Huh”

“George it’s Dad.”

“Yes Dad. I’ll get them they won’t hurt you any more.”

“George you fuckup, Israel just nuked Iraq. The shit has hit the fan. What are you on these days?”

“Nothing Dad I promise nothing.”

“Don’t give me that shit George.”

“Well okay I’m a little addicted to this power thing.”

“Oh God George, I told you when you smoked dope in college when you drank your first beer, I told you when you started snorting that white stuff at board meetings, I told you that you’d never be satisfied you’d need more and more. What have you done George.”

“I’m sorry Dad, but that’s the guy that tried to kill you.”

“Shut the fuck up George its over. Saddam escaped the blast he’s giving a speech at the U.N. He’s calling you the asshole of evil.”