Mostly Anecdotal

She said, “Have you heard about the Belcher Norman?”

I asked her if there was a comma after belcher.

“It’s a vacuum cleaner,” she said.

I said, “There’s a vacuum called the Belcher Norman?”

“Listen to this,” she said, “When you first turn it on, this bag-less upright burps like your Uncle Morty on Thanksgiving.”

“We don’t have an Uncle Morty,” I said.

She ignored me and continued, “The review says it’s no bargain, save your money, it says.”

“So there was a comma,” I said.

“Yes, a comma,” she said. “You don’t belch that much. Now if I’d said have you heard about the farter Norman …”

When I was younger there were cars with push-button automatic transmissions? It was a bad idea, and it wasn’t long before the buttons disappeared and more traditional methods of changing gears returned. We know now that it was not a harbinger of a button-less future, but rather a blip on the path to our modern push-button society.

I read somewhere, that beginning in the nineties, pushing the close button an elevator did nothing, but it didn’t stop me or others from pushing the button anyway, sometimes repeatedly. And when the door eventually closed we felt the power of a prayer answered, or in my case the laws of physics confirmed.

I’m an itinerant button pusher. I’ve pushed buttons on more than one continent. I not only push the close button in the elevator, but in my impatience I push the open button too. If there were a button for the sunrise and the sunset, I’d be pushing it as well.

(more…)

What the hell do they mean a pre-made sandwich? Don’t they really mean ready-made? When was it pre? I’ll tell you, back when it was lettuce, cheese, pickles, etcetera, and was sitting on the counter. It wasn’t a sandwich at all; it was a bunch of parts. It was only after the parts were combined that it became a sandwich, made, not pre-made. It’s not a sandwich until it’s made so what’s with the pre.

And those Amazon Book guys trying to save a few words by offering to let you pre-order a book. Of course it’s not really a pre-order it’s just an order. You are ordering it for future delivery just like every other book you order from them. It’s just going to take longer to get to you. What they mean is an advance order. So why don’t they just say that? Can’t they spare a few more words, after all they’re in the word business.

And what’s with a preview, are you really going to look at something before you look at it. I don’t think so. I know these are small things, and I understand if it doesn’t bug you the way it bugs me. I could go on you know, there is preowned, preteen, preposterous. I’ll stop now, but don’t pretend it’s not a problem. You need to be prepared.

Friendship is important, and good friends are hard to come by. I would never discard a friend for a mere trifle, but recently a friend put my philosophy to the test.

“I don’t wipe anymore,” he said.

“You don’t wipe,” I said.

“I haven’t wiped all winter,” he said, “my wiper is broken.”

“Your wiper is broken,” I said.

“Yes, my wiper is broken.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well the last time I tried to wipe nothing happened,” he said.

“Nothing happened?”

“That’s what I said, nothing happened.”

“I think this is the kind of problem you need to solve,” I said.

“I’ve tried,” he said, “I ordered a new one.”

“You ordered a new one; what does that mean?” I said.

“I ordered a new motor,” he said.

“Huh”

“I tried to get one on the cheap, but found that I could only get one from the source,” he said.

“You don’t mean from God do you?” I said. “You’re not going to quote scripture to me now are you?” There’s a time for wiping and a time to refrain from wiping; Ecclesiastes 3:?.

“Of course not, I mean the Toyota dealership, my car’s wiper motor is on the blink, I need a new one,” he said.

“Ha ha! I’ll bet you think you’re clever, a funny guy, don’t you?”

“Hey, there’s nothing funny about not being able to wipe.”

There are some things you need to know before I begin. Like Stavros the Wonder Chicken, “sometimes entire paragraphs just appear in my brain right before I fall asleep.” It also happens to me sometimes upon awakening. I’m going to start writing them down, and sometimes I’ll share them. So here it is the beginning of a story I’ll never write.

When he walked into the room, he had an erection. Fanny Assingham had been standing just outside the door with her friends, and she had smiled at him. But, it was the sight of his Mother, and of his Father, as well as his brothers and sisters that took care of his rising star, and not in a good way.

Imagine there are nine inches of snow on the ground—the temperature is 27 degrees Fahrenheit and suddenly, with no warning, it’s the middle of the summer, well that’s how it was.