Mostly Anecdotal

It’s an ‘inconvenient truth’ that owning an SUV is not all excessive fuel consumption, and flaunting one’s wealth. When keeping up with the Joneses means a trip to the body shop you know things have changed.

It began quietly enough two weeks ago when the first SUV was found on its side. “I had just finished breakfast,” said Mike. “I was going to take my daughter to school no way I’m going to have her walk the block and a half, temperatures in the forties, terrorists, well you understand. I had left the car in the driveway, who wouldn’t, a new Explorer. I wanted the neighbors to see how much I love my family. I came out the front door, and there it was sitting on its side. I can tell you I was shocked. I’ve never seen anything like it. I called the police, they figure it was just a prank by some homesick farm boys; no cows in Glendale you see. They called a tow truck, they had it upright in no time, but I sure do hate the scratches on the side. I want to find the bastards that did this.”

Like I said that was just the beginning, in the past week the “fad” has swept the nation. SUV owners across the country have come out of their homes, out of grocery stores, only to find their SUV on its sides. Ethel in Chicago, said, “I parked my Escalade in the same two parking spaces I always do, and when I returned from shopping there it was lying on its side. I have friends that have had the same thing happen to them, and it’s not funny.”

Some in the country are taking it much more seriously. The Attorney General is said to be investigating possible terrorist ties. The president has said it’s has got to stop. Our nation is at war. Our citizens have to be able to get to work. It started in California but has now reached Washington D.C. “I’ve tipped a cow or two in my time, damn fun I must say,” said the President, “but there are no cows in our cities. It was a coming of age thing for me, but we’re talking about SUVs.” Our nation relies on these vehicles; our military relies on these vehicles.” Conspiracy theorists are certain that if not organized by terrorists it was surely inspired by them. The Homeland Security Director is now driving an orange Trail Blazer, he suggests using duct-tape to attach your SUV to a nearby tree or post but it isn’t working. The vehicles are ending up on their sides despite the effort, and the tape often removed paint from the body.

Many in government just laughed at the first tippings, but now they are becoming victims. Karl Rove’s wife was trapped in her SUV on the Maryland Parkway for three hours. “I was just sitting there,” she said, “traffic had come to a stop and all of sudden I was on my side. I was buckled in so I wasn’t injured, but it scared the hell out of me.”

Dick Cheney went berserk when he found both his Explorer and Navigator on their sides in his driveway. The government has the FBI investigating and thanks to a tip from one of Canada’s best investigative reporters, Dug Alter, we learned today that the Justice Department has named Tipper Gore as a “person of interest.” Former elected president Al Gore was quick to defend his wife. “She has nothing to do with it,” he said. “I know it is inconvenient when it’s your SUV, but the truth is it helps in our fight against global warming.”

In other developments, two hundred SUV’s belonging to the border patrol were found tipped on their sides on the Mexican border near Laredo. George was briefed on the latest development and decided to leave the SUV’s where they were found, “that’s 4000 feet of wall we won’t have to build,” he said.

Meanwhile, the president is worried about the troops in the middle-east. “We don’t know if there are tippers in Iraq,” he said, “but I’ve ordered the manufacturer of Hummers to put additional stabilizing bars on any Hummers destined for the war.”

The current theory is that the anti-war movement is responsible, damming evidence uncovered today confirmed that all the tipped cars came to rest on their right side. “How else do you explain that,” said the Attorney General.

Today, as suddenly as it began, it stopped. Investigations are continuing, and the President requests all Americans to remain vigilant, if you see anything out of the ordinary just dial 1 800 NEW TIPS.

I purchased two Snickers® and immediately regretted my choice, not the choice of a Snickers®, I love Snickers®, but my choice of a candy bar, two candy bars. This is no way to lose weight, I thought. The extra pounds, my extra pounds had forced my trousers to strain at every seam, seams barely holding, seams on their last threads.

The seams held but the wrapper containing the first Snickers® did not. A Snickers® is a Snickers® I thought as it, to my delight, broke out of its wrapper. I began to eat, it was delicious, full of nuts, and of caramel, and of chocolate. The bar stretched as I bit off a piece forming a narrow sliver of chocolate with a nut perched on the end, a chocolate serpent enticing me to continue. I did, and no sooner did I finish it than my thoughts returned to my extra pounds and bursting seams. I was alone, with nothing but guilt, and remorse, and a second Snickers® bar in my pocket to keep me company.

I continued on my way, perhaps an earthquake would interrupt my journey and I’d be crushed beneath a mountain of brick, the extra pounds no longer a load I’d have to carry. And in my pocket for the first person who discovered me was a Snickers® candy bar.

A transient materialized on the sidewalk in front of me. I instinctively reached into my pocket for some spare change, but instead found the second Snickers®.

“Would you like a Snickers® bar?” I asked. “I had two but I’ve already eaten one. You’re welcome to this one.”

He hesitated.

“If you don’t want it just say so,” I said.

“No it’s not that,” he said, “Thanks.”

He took the bar. I wondered if his would stretch like mine did when he bit into it, I wondered if he’d eat it now or wait until later. I wondered if his would look like a serpent to him.

I was about to leave when he smiled and said, “but next time could you make it a Milky Way®.

“A Milky Way®?” I said.

“Yes, a Milky Way®,” he replied.