Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category

Black Ice

Thursday, March 4th, 2010

It had been snowing off and on for the past week. It was cold, not Wyoming cold, but cold. Snowplows cleared the roads each day revealing the black asphalt, while I cleared the sidewalks revealing the gray concrete, everywhere else was snowflake white. When the sun was shining the roads were wet but not slick, later when the clouds returned and the skies darkened there was no guarantee.

“Can I borrow your car?” he said.

“Sure,” I said.

“Mine’s not reliable,” he said.

“Which one?” I said.

“What?”

“Which car do you want to borrow, the Subaru or the Infiniti?”

“Doesn’t matter,” he said.

My son was being polite.

“Your choice,” I said.

“The Subaru then,” he said. “I’m in charge of the music at the wedding. You’re coming, right?”

“Right,” I said.

“The wedding’s at Log Haven in Millcreek canyon,” he said. “It might snow.”

“The Subaru is a good choice then,” I said. . .

The wedding was lovely. We left after the bride and groom danced, but before they cut the cake.

The road was covered with snow on the trip up the canyon, but it was clear as we started back down. I wasn’t driving fast, no more than 25 or 30 miles per hour. We came around a corner, and I felt the car losing traction, I knew instantly it was black ice, and not just a little. It was like finding yourself on an Olympic sized ice rink when you thought you were in an easy chair just watching the show. (more…)

The Wandering Eye

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

He had a piece of spinach stuck between his teeth, and saw me staring.

“It’s a wandering eye,” he said.

“What?”

“A wandering eye, I saw you staring. My eye is always looking this way or that, it’s out of sync with the other eye. It’s always been that way,” he said.

“No, I was—”

“Yes it sometimes looks in a different direction, unnerving isn’t it?”

“No, I wasn’t looking at your eye,” I said.

“It’s okay,” he said, “everybody does. No need to feel embarrassed, I’m not. Yep pretty strange looking that. Some people think it’s Lazy Eye but that’s different. That’s Amblyopia, wandering eye is classified as Strabismus, mine is unilateral Strabismus.”

“Can I ask you a question about your wandering eye,” I said.

“Sure, no problem. Education is the key, right? Go for it.”

“Well, I was wondering if your wandering eye can see that bit of spinach stuck between your teeth?”

Catching Zees

Saturday, December 6th, 2008

The thing about driving across the desert is that you can close your eyes, catch some zees, and when you open your eyes again nothing much has changed.

That’s the last thing I remember thinking. But, when I opened my eyes, up was down and down was up. The seat belt was doing a good job of holding me in place, but the assorted objects that had been resting comfortably on the floor, and on the seat, and in the glove box, a box that popped open on the first rotation of the car, were all obeying the laws of physics as they flew about.

A baseball bat from the floor behind my seat, carefully placed there to protect me should some punk decide to do me harm, flew near my head striking the windshield. I felt like the target of those physical laws, never mind that they didn’t know me from the bat. (more…)

Big Dog, Little Dog

Thursday, October 23rd, 2008

Sonny, a friend and an ex-hockey player, always did things in twos. He lived with two women. He bought them both new cars for Christmas one year, and let them make the payments. When he bought dogs, again it was two—Dalmatians.

I hadn’t seen Sonny for a while when I ran into him at the Mall. He flashed his hockey player smile, perfect teeth, not the originals, and under each arm he carried a small dog.

“Holy shit, it’s Sonny” I said. “I haven’t seen you for, uh—”

“Two years,” he said. “How ya doing?”

“Good,” I said. “Last time I saw you the dogs were bigger, and they were Dalmatians, and now you have two.” I hesitated.

“Maltese,” he said.

“Why the change?” I asked.

He smiled. “Little dog little doo doo, big dog big doo doo,” he said.

“Two dogs double the doo doo,” I said.

I thought about adding no dog no doo doo, but I didn’t.

I recently told this story to a friend, and when I finished she said, “I’d rather have a big dog.”

“Weren’t you listening?” I said. “Big dog big doo doo.”

“I heard you,” she said, “but I have experience with both. You’re right, big dog big doo doo, little dog little doo doo, but that’s only part of the story.”

“And,” I said.

“Big doo doo easy to see little doo doo not so easy.”

She was right. I thought about adding no dog no doo doo, but I didn’t.

You might be wondering what happened to Sonny. He finally decided on one of the two women and moved to Las Vegas where he launched a career as an Elvis Impersonator. I don’t know if he still has the two dogs.

The Groaner

Tuesday, February 26th, 2008

Friendship is important, and good friends are hard to come by. I would never discard a friend for a mere trifle, but recently a friend put my philosophy to the test.

“I don’t wipe anymore,” he said.

“You don’t wipe,” I said.

“I haven’t wiped all winter,” he said, “my wiper is broken.”

“Your wiper is broken,” I said.

“Yes, my wiper is broken.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Well the last time I tried to wipe nothing happened,” he said.

“Nothing happened?”

“That’s what I said, nothing happened.”

“I think this is the kind of problem you need to solve,” I said.

“I’ve tried,” he said, “I ordered a new one.”

“You ordered a new one; what does that mean?” I said.

“I ordered a new motor,” he said.

“Huh”

“I tried to get one on the cheap, but found that I could only get one from the source,” he said.

“You don’t mean from God do you?” I said. “You’re not going to quote scripture to me now are you?” There’s a time for wiping and a time to refrain from wiping; Ecclesiastes 3:?.

“Of course not, I mean the Toyota dealership, my car’s wiper motor is on the blink, I need a new one,” he said.

“Ha ha! I’ll bet you think you’re clever, a funny guy, don’t you?”

“Hey, there’s nothing funny about not being able to wipe.”