Cut It Out
He didn’t start out hating his grandmother, nor did he ever imagine that he would neatly cut her head out of all the family photos and mail them to her, but he did. At least, that’s the way Augusten Burroughs tells the story in his latest book “Possible Side Effects”. The point is that sometimes relationships sour, it’s a part of life, but with a little planning one never need end a relationship with an X-Acto knife.
My niece Halley came home for Thanksgiving with her boyfriend Quinn. I was snapping pictures, and when it came time to take theirs I announced that I’d photograph them separately, just in case the relationship didn’t last. Halley raised her eyebrows, but said nothing.
“It would be a shame” I said, “if I took your pictures together and then you had a terrible fight.” It would be awful Halley, if one day you said to Quinn, “I never want to see your sorry ass again.” And although the picture is not of his ass, it would be awkward if there were only a single photograph. I told them that if they stuck it out they could always pin the pictures side by side. They said nothing.
I turned to talk to someone else, it was then, my peripheral vision working perfectly, that I saw a raised finger. It was Halley’s raised finger, circling near her head, a signal to what’s his name, the mighty Quinn, that I was a little bit whacky. She followed it with a whispered; he thinks he’s funny. Now I may not be able to hear as well as I once did, but whispers carry on the breeze even indoors and reach every corner of a room. Maybe I just imagined that I saw her finger raised, and maybe she was just whispering sweet nothings in his ear. Maybe, but then again, maybe not.
She returned again for Christmas without her friend. I asked why Quinn hadn’t made the trip. She was vague, but I think it was because he got good reviews on his first trip, and she didn’t want to risk another round. But here’s the thing, I checked the pictures I’d taken on Thanksgiving and only hers was in focus, his was a little blurry. Could it be a sign that he’s not the one? I figure I did Halley a favor, if there is a falling out she won’t have to use an X-Acto knife on Quinn, she can just take his blurry image and drop it in the trash.
February 18th, 2007 at 4:22 am
That was a somewhat courageous thing you did. Or foolish, depending on perspective. I have lost the “high-frequency tones” myself, but of course, that translates into the accumulation of much experience, knowledge, and wisdom. I have seen the virtual finger spinning near a head or two. And I have heard the whispers and seen the eyeballs roll toward the heavens.
There is always one of these at work in such cases: the sage, the wacko, or the old phart. It is a struggle at times to figure out which one is in charge and which one is at the ready with the Xacto knife.
February 19th, 2007 at 9:57 am
It’s really rather nice being considered an old phart. You can get away with shit you’d never have gotten away with if you were younger. A second childhood so to speak.